He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
