I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
