my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
