I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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