Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
