Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
