me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
