My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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