She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
