Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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