I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
