Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
