i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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