If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There r osticjed everywhere
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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