Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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