Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I die, sorry about rent.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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