just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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