pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
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I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
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We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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