pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
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I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.