just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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