wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
