Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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