What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises