if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
