i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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