If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
