Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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