I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
