She said her name was "party"
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
