Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
