Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
