he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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