im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
