I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
