im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
