I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So much Jack, so little girl.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
