Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
