i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Sext me about skeletons
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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