I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
