so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
