dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious