Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.