now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
