I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
