Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
