The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Two words: blizzard sex
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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