Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
