boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
