my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
