areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
