Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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