I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I feel great
I just peed on a car
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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