i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
