Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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