someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
