why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
