If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
