They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So much rum. So many feels.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
