The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
