i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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