After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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