He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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