Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
