I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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